The time is once again upon us when we look back at the past year and examine the parts of our lives for which we are thankful. Though cliché, this period of giving thanks allows for introspection and growth.
But, let’s be real folks. For each moment or thing that is deserving of thanks there is at least one other that we would wish away if we could. Thus, in the spirit of the season and my own sense of entertainment, I present a list of not only the five things for which I am most thankful, but also the five things to which I should have said, “no thank you.”
5. Human Relations (the second time). This class was not only early in the morning, but it was taught by a professor who was too busy doing other professory things to actually teach. Instead, we had the pleasure of watching videos or listening to “speakers.” Not only that, but when it came to actual test time, the material we covered could have been fished out of a 1980s self-help book. For all of the headaches and silly busy work I endured, a strong, “No thanks!”
5. Students. Yes. I am thankful for students. Oh yes, those stupid little shits that run around the halls of Brookings High School talking about how they’re so cool or pimp or whatever the kids say these days. Despite their sometimes cavalier attitude towards studying, the children, nay, young adults I had the pleasure of working with kept me on my toes as a teacher and entertained me as a person. For those hours spent working in the study hall room, “Thank you.”
4. I-29. For anyone who has travelled between Brookings and Sioux Falls over the course of the past few months, you know exactly what I’m talking about. But even before the northbound lane was closed, that damn interstate claimed the life of my first car. Flash back to January. Snowstorm. Strong winds. Drifts on the road. Enough said. Despite my determination, the section of road just south of Brookings proved unconquerable to my little Honda Accord. After a few spins and rolls, my car was left in some small town fated to rust away into oblivion. “Thanks for nothing, I-29.”
4. 17th Avenue. Oh that little road in Brookings saved me so many times. Instead of driving home using the quicker routes of 22nd avenue or Medary Avenue, 17th provided a less-busy alternative with a view. Not only did beautiful trees shade from the sun, but the curvy roads also provided ample opportunities for evading the Brookings Police Department when I didn’t follow their strict 25 mph limits. Therefore, I should also thank Derdall and Elmwood Drives for providing great places to hide.
3. MTA. For those not aware, this transit conglomerate basically owns every New Yorker’s soul — and we pay them to do it. For only $89 a month, the MTA will allow you unlimited access to its subways and busses. Great. Perfect. Public transportation was never so easy. Except, of course, when they close down the tracks for “routine maintenance” or “electrical upgrades.” Then, as I wait the extra 20 minutes for the jam-packed train to arrive, I see the wonderful crew taking a union break or laughing as one new guy tries to figure out what he’s doing. For Midwesterners, just watch construction workers during the summer — It’s the same deal. No thank you, indeed.
3. Subway musicians. Now, I know that I’ve touched on this before, but these people really are wonderful. Though some may shower less than others and certain members of this caste are better than their companions, each subway act brings its own set of quirks for passengers’ enjoyment. One woman in particular plays a modified slide whistle while she dons the most ridiculous socks. Another gentleman will play the theme from The Godfather while maintaining a steady balance even as the train rocks from side to side. Lastly, to the trio of Latinos that come on every-so-often: thank you for performing Shakira songs. They’re exactly what I want to hear.
2. Dunkin’ Donuts’ coffee. Despite the rave reviews of their coffee and it’s wonderful quality, Dunkin’ Donuts just doesn’t do it for me. I’ve waited in line for their black coffee and choked down some terrible-for-you-and-tastes-like-it iced nonsense. Though always good for a tasty snack after a long night, I fail to see what all the hype is about. Sorry, DD, your coffee just isn’t worth the four dollars and terrible taste. I politely decline.
2. Porto Rico Importing Co. Not only does this NYC gem have far superior coffee, but it’s super cheap. For only $9, one can purchase a pound of organic, fair trade, shade-grown coffee from a variety of different locales. Alongside cheap coffee, Porto Rico also offers delicious chocolate covered treats at low prices. To top it all off, the staff and quality of service at the store is not only kind but also quick. Thank you for keeping me caffeinated.
1. Drinking. Not only has this activity sucked away dollar after dollar, but it has also been known to lead to awkward situations, bad decisions and a lengthy headache. Too, too often have I fallen victim to the lusty gazes of a tasty Malbec or lost one too many games of beer pong resulting in a day after of immobility and reruns of Modern Marvels. Despite every promise never to consume alcohol again, I will likely enjoy the sweet tastes of inebriation again. I say no thanks, but I really mean yes, please.
1. Friends and Family. Even though it’s cliché and obligatory, I must say I really am thankful for these people. Through sad moments and endless hilarity, these people have helped to make life that much more interesting. From the long-forgotten friends of elementary school to the new chums I meet in the big city and the family that loves me because they have to, every happy memory has a loved one close by. So, thank you, friends and family. You’re wonderful.
So there you have it, readers: my list of thankful/-lessness. Now, as you all begin to reflect on this week’s column also reflect on your own lives. Take a moment to thank a friend or flip off a cop (ill-advised). If anything, just be thankful that you have hot water — I haven’t for the past week.
Geoffrey Nixon is a graduate of Roosevelt High School and South Dakota State University. He recently moved to New York City.
