There are so many signs that our world is dying slower than Pittsburgh Pirates fans’ hopes of ever winning the World Series. Bees and frogs are mysteriously dying, our environment is in a slow decay and American Idol is a popular show. But I’m not nearly as scared as I am as when I’m driving. I swear to lord Joe Mauer that watching people drive not only makes me scared for my life, but also the human race.
Those that know me are aware that I am, for the most part, calm and collected. Usually, something pretty major has to happen for me to lose my “cool.” Even with such a quiet demeanor, there are certain things that will set me off like Lou Piniella after a blown call. Driving just happens to be one of those triggers (others include Nickelback, Fox News and fantasy football).
I can’t really explain it, but as soon I turn the key in the ignition, my blood pressure increases considerably. If somebody cuts me off or tries to merge in my late, I start screaming like Ron Artest in Detroit. I mean, it doesn’t do any good — it’s not like they hear me — because they continue on their merry way while I’m still fuming.
My road rage seems to be justified at all times too. People are just dumb when it comes to driving. I’m sure we’ve all witnessed the guy who cuts you off with no other apparent reason other than he could. Then of course there is the guy that tailgates so close to you that you can read the serial number on his front bumper. It’s days like those that I wish I had some James Bond-esque gadgets that would get those assholes off my tail.
I’m not saying that I’m the greatest driver in the world, but, at the very least, I’m not the dumbest. Sometimes I just look at people and am amazed they remember how to breathe much less drive. I have seen some dumb things in my life and I would say 90 percent of it happened on the road. One time a guy tried to pass me on the shoulder when it was icy out and went right into a ditch. Another time I saw a woman try to do a U-turn through the giant grass median on the interstate — in January.
All of this has led me to believe that sometimes it is just irresponsible for the state to give these people a license to drive. It’s almost as irresponsible as Fox News still airing Glenn Beck’s show. Basically, the state is letting some of these people, who are not fit to take care of a goldfish, drive at high speeds with a large dangerous machine. That’s like dropping off Tiger Woods at a dance club without his wedding ring on. (Had to take a cheap shot, sorry Tiger.)
If there is any hope for the life of our race, we must rid ourselves of the idiots on the road. My plan is modest and cheap. It starts by putting a decision computer in the car. The only difference is that it will have Fran Drescher’s voice to scream at you every time you make a poor decision. One of two things will happen: her voice will be so scathing that people will think twice before making irresponsible decisions or they will commit suicide so they will never have to hear that voice again. Either way, people will start driving more responsible, or all the bad drivers will be dead. Double bonus.
Or we can all just ride bikes, but I’m pretty sure people would find a way to screw that up as well.
